5 Years Away

On Friday night I got up to pee (as is so common in pregnancy) around 2am in the morning.  It was hard to get back to sleep (common also!) so I decided to write out what I would say for our testimonial Sabbath.  I knew it was the end of the year testimony Sabbath and I couldn't let the year go by without going up and sharing about God's love and goodness.  I had been feeling depressed (pregnancy hormones definitely to blame).  Because it had been 5 years since I left Thailand and my family.   A lot of times here in Singapore have been really lonely for me and I have always prayed for friends.  Anyways, here is what I shared that Sabbath morning.  It was really embarrassing  because I cried a lot while up front.  Oh well...haha.  Despite everything I cannot deny God's love, goodness and faithfulness.

5 years ago today. I moved to Singapore.  It was one of the hardest things for me to do - leaving behind all that I had known and love.

I came here not knowing what my future would hold.  Would I ever get a proper pass to live in this country?  Would I be jobless forever?  Would I get used to this place, people & culture?  Would I have any friends?

It turns out I did get my pass (dependent pass). I did get a job and held 2 passes (dependent & work permit). I got used to Singapore and learned to enjoy the food, malls, parks.  I knew this place even better than Bangkok. I did make friends in unexpected ways and places.

Then. I started to wonder if I could survive the stress of my job.  How could all the bills and expenses be paid with my pay which is less than what I would get paid in Thailand.  Would I ever get to make use of my degree which took me 4 years to get??  And still would I ever have any friends?

Almost 4 years into my job I did not get fired. I haven't gone hungry or kicked out of our house for not being able to pay the bills. I enjoy teaching preschool children and have gained experience in ways I could not have gained anywhere else.  I have made life long friends even though most of them eventually leave.

I have a blog (a journal that is online) in which I write down different experiences in my life. I started writing in it since 2008. This week i just looked back on it and I have seen my worries and how things have turned out even though I couldn't tell at that time how things would turn out.

It reminded me of a quote by Mark Twain "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."

For me, I can say personally that all my worries didn't happen because God has had a plan and has guided me all along. I have seen him work miracles and open ways and work things out. Over and over again I want to knock myself on the head because I should have known I could bring it to God and he would indeed answer my prayers.  Time and time again I have caused sleepless nights and sickness that were unnecessary because even if I couldn't see it in that moment He was there all along working things out.

My life has always been and I have a feeling will continue to be like a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. My one constant and my one best friend has been Bayu. He has been so patient with me and does all he can because he wants to see me happy. Then I think, if Bayu who is a human can love and care for me and want me to be happy how much more God whose love is higher,wider and deeper than the sky, universe or ocean?

Today I can't say I have no worries. That would be a huge lie.  In fact, I'm going through another phase of questions and doubts and fears about my life and the future. Can we make it on one income next year? How am I going to raise a child? Will I have to have a c-section? Will I have a friend that stays longer? And the list of questions go on.

I will leave this pulpit this morning and this year 2013 with these questions in my mind but I will be leaving with hope in my heart. I cannot discern the future but I have seen God work in my life for the past 5 years here. He won't be stopping there. I just need to look back at his word at how he's been there for my family and not forget what he has done. I will cling to him despite all my doubts and I know one day I will testify once again of his goodness and faithfulness in my life.