Yesterday

Yesterday is history! And I want to talk about history. Yeah, just to post something up I'm gonna write about a few things. Just to blah blah blah. I've had a loooong weekend - it started since last, last Friday already! Of course it didn't feel that long at all. =( It's not that I don't like work but It's the part of not being able to sleep in. I know I'm still fortunate enough to wake up at 6.10 but still it's early!

Wow, the weather this Sunday morning is ideal for sleeping in - gloomy and rainy. What am I doing up? I guess after this I'm going to go back to sleep. About this past week. It's been by so fast it's like a blur and I'm only able to register now what has happened and what it means to me. Another reason of why I'm in this contemplating mood is that the month of October has practically flown by and I know November will fly by too and then my wedding day will come!!!

About the wedding I'm so excited and nervous and just overwhelmed. These feelings inside me are building up as the the time gets closer and will erupt soon! Hahaha. I'm really behind in the schedule I made for myself regarding the preparations. But I'm still going to try to look at it as something fun and exciting that I'll only do once in my life.

Okay back to my weekend. I was able to spend lots of time with family and friends. Which is just what I love to do and it's more meaningful and precious to me because I know I won't be able to do this with them all the time. It's like God has given this week of break just for me! I've gotten to make new friends, become closer with other friends, and catch up with old friends. It's been amazing because these friends have, in a their own way, helped me with my relationship with God. It's been great being around friends who build you up, especially spiritually because that's what I really need right now.

I didn't realize it but I do need and am grateful for the spiritiual support and conversations we have. To make a such a big decision to get married and move to another country can be overwhelming and I've felt that I've never needed God so much in my life. This week has made me see that I really do need him more and more. I can't get enough of God. That's why Roots Rising and SML has been a really great help to me as well. I feel like I must get as much as I can of God right now before I go abroad so that by then I have built up enough strength to start my new life.

Sure, I've been having a wonderful relationship with God but I know I can still get to know Him better and be even closer to Him. I just want to let my guard down and let Him take over my life. I just wanna say that SML and then last night at Newsong and my friends has made me realize some things about myself and God. I guess this is one of those points in your spritual life when you feel an awakening or something. This is probably the second time I've experienced and gone through this spiritual awakening. I tell you, worship really can do wonders. I'm talking about the kind of worship where a whole bunch of people as a group or church get together and just praise God in singing and talking.

Almost lastly =), I now want to say what I mean by this spiritual awakening I'm having. For a very long time I can say that I've had a relationship with God but after a while I guess I started taking it for granted. It's like I'm just in lah lah land with God. Half a sleep or a zombie talking to Him. But now I'm awake and want to change that. Singing during worship and really listening to the words made me realize that my prayers to God should be like the words of the songs or the song itself. Even though I didn't come up with the lyrics but those words can by my words of praise to God because it comes from my heart. Sometimes I find it hard to praise him but now I realize that I can use those words already written in a song and give them to the Lord.

In the discussion last night at Newsong about Barnabas and the Barnabases in our lives I talked about how Bayu has really helped me to be who I am today and what I think about myself today. He has helped me to step out of my comfort zone and he has encouraged me so much. Because he has helped to build self-esteem in myself I am also able to help others. I really realized that if I can't believe in myself in the first place how can I believe in someone else. And Bayu has helped me to believe in myself. After that talk I realized that I never really thanked God for Bayu. So then and there I thanked God for showing Himself to me through Bayu. Another really important realization was that I'm not afraid to spend my life with Bayu. I've been thinking alot about how I'm going to leaving everything I know and love behind but I know God has just reassured me last night that there is nothing to worry about because Bayu is from God.

Do yo notice my paragraphs are getting longer and longer? Hahha.

Oh and another thing is I signed up for the Newsong retreat. I saw their promo video clip and it looked like so much fun and I just decided to join. I hope it was because the Holy Spirit moved me to do it. It's not like me at all to just join something like this with a whooole bunch of people I don't know. This is what I call me stepping out of my comfort zone. But I don't know when it started but when I realized I won't be here in Thailand for much more longer I just wanna try and do all the different things I can do before I leave =). Another things is that I'm kinda testing God. I realized that when I go to Singapore I won't know anyone except 1 or 2 people and I'll be in new situations. So I wanna start practicing not knowing anyone and being in new situations that's why I signed up for the Newsong retreat too!

This brings me to another thing I have discovered this past week. This time from a friend. She told me through her experiences to pray specifically and boldly to God. And now I'm telling God that through this retreat if He can bring me through it that means He will also bring me through what I'll be facing in Singapore. I know it sounds dramatic Haha. But I mean like I said I want to start practicing being in situations where I don't know anyone. And how I prayed specifically is that :

1. I won't regret going on the retreat.
2. I can open up myself and be myself in the retreat.
3. That I can know where I really stand in my relationship with God.

Maybe nubmer 3 won't be answered that weekend but yeah I want to start the habit of really meaning what I say in my prayers and praying for specific things and not rambling like I'm doing now.

I guess that's all I want to say. Thank you God. Thank you Bayu. Thank you friends. Thank you family.